Here, There be a Writer

Sunday, December 22, 2013

The top 5 Really Horrible, Totally Awful, NOT so Great Xmas Songs Ever, Really!!!

There a many a yuletide tune that play on incessant repeat from thanksgiving to Christmas. I get irritated by the repetition many a days (it doesn't help that I listen to one station on my radio at work). This week's blog features some of the songs that you've probably heard on the radio or in the shopping malls. These are the ones that bug me to crazy after the eleventy billionth time.

The top 5 Really Horrible, Totally Awful, NOT so Great Xmas Songs Ever, Really!!!

5. Jingle Bells - Frank Sinatra
Spelling in songs is really silly, unless you are on a kid's show such as Sesame Street. This songs is based on a classic holiday song, and yet I am reviled by it's very existence.  I probably would be more forgiving if I hadn't heard it suck on endless repeat in a Wal-Mart last year. It's greatest crime is being to damned hokey. Note: This is not a slam against Mr. Sinatra, just the song.

I love those J-I-N-G-L-E bells
Those holiday J-I-N-G-L-E bells
Those happy J-I-N-G-L-E B-E, double-L-S
I love those J-I-N-G-L-E bells
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh, oh

4. Santa Baby
Please tell me why this is a good song? I mean really. It's about a greedy self centered girl, who thinks that it's cute to act sexy to ask for gifts. I really dislike Madonna's version. I hear Taylor Swift cover this song and am glad I haven't hear it yet. Eartha Kitt is the closest singers to not make me vomit when I hear it, because she actually sounds sexy. Either way, this song is one I would prefer to never hear again, if I could help it.

Santa baby, just slip a sable under the tree for me;
Been an awful good girl, Santa baby
and hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa baby, a '54 convertible too, light blue
I'll wait up for you dear, Santa baby
and hurry down the chimney tonight

Think of all the fun I've missed
Think of all the fellas that I haven't kissed
Next year I could be just as good...
if you'd check off my Christmas list

3. Christmas in Your Eyes - Gloria Estefan
I can't really say this song is the worst lyrically, but it reeks of schmaltz and an over saccharine filled melody that get overly done. Too many artist seem to want to record this kind of song. I personally find the song nauseating when it comes on the radio. The song is filled with a pleading to be youthful and innocent again, which is not necessarily a bad thing, but it feel like the author is looking to live through a younger person's life, almost vicariously. It fall into the schmaltzy category of songs. I don't do schmaltzy! 

I wanna see Christmas through your eyes
I want everything to be the way it used to be
Back to being a child again thinking the world was mine
I wanna see Christmas, Christmas through your eyes

I see the rain, you see the rainbow hiding in the clouds
Never afraid to let your love show
Won't you show me how
Wanna learn how to believe again
Find the innocence in me again
Through your young heart
Help me find a way, help me try

2. Do They Know it Christmas Time at All? - Band Aid
I vaguely remember Band Aid in the 80's, it was a bit before I really started to understand the that the world had places where life wasn't as easy as what I had to deal with in my small town America. I was 5 in 1984, when Band Aid was originally formed. it wasn't until YEARS later when I began to hear this song ad-nauseum on the radio. The thing that really bothers me is the lyrics scream of pretentiousness, assuming that the peoples of Africa know of Christmas and focusing on the suffering of some of these peoples. I understand the intent was to raise money for ending hunger in Africa and raising awareness. But, really, it comes off the wrong way. What's worst is that Band Aid reformed in 1989 and then 2004, also the Barenaked Ladies cover this song. I am sorry if i some bitter, but this song rubs me the wrong way EVERYTIME!

And the Christmas bells that ring there are the clanging chimes of doom
Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you
And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmas time
The greatest gift they'll get this year is life
Where nothing ever grows
No rain nor rivers flow
Do they know it's Christmas time at all? 

1. Christmas Shoes - NewSong
I have talked about this one before and it will always be on this list. If not for the horrible vocals, but the tear jerking, asshat, poorly devised lyrics that make you want to vomit repeatedly. It's bad enough that we live in a world full of cancer, poverty, and war, but really. Do  we need a reminder that a dying woman needs stylish pumps before she goes? Patton Oswalt does a BRILLIANT bit on the lyrics. You'll be dying on the floor with laughter.

Sir I wanna buy these shoes
For my mama. please
It's Christmas eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry sir
Daddy says there's not much time
You see,
She's been sick for quite a while And I
know these shoes will make her smile And I
Want her to look beautiful
If mama meets Jesus tonight

Okay, are to sick of them yet? I cannot torture you Dear Readers...So, here's a Christmas/Yule Kitty and Hannah-Rei singing!!

Hannah-Rei's "Christmas Time is Here"

Leave me a comment. Oh and and what are some of your most despised Xmas songs?

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