Thoughts on a Snowy Saturday

So, in the search for something interesting to write I have come up dry. It's not for lack of topics, but this week was a bit lacking in motivation. Some say it's the winter blues. I would tend to agree with that to a point. I really feel I am just in a slump, partly due to weather and partly because somewhere in my own head I don't think I'm good enough. That's not good!

You see, I know I have it in me to make this blog, writing, analyzing, and interpreting a ultimate career of. There are moments though when nothing makes sense in my head. For example, when I use a word incorrectly or say something like, "These ones" instead of "Those ones". Those are moments that make me feel like an utter failure as an English major. That put a bit of a block on me and I put off writing. Then I feel like I am a failure as a writer. It's a bad habit, very cyclical . How can I expect to get my name out there if I don't write?  But I'm not anyone, who would want to read my writing?

I suppose that if I was a failure, then this blog would have failed after only a month, or even after a week. But here I am, writing a blog about not writing (oxymoron?). I have proven that I can write. I have found plenty of interesting things to write about thus far, I can find more, right? So, why am I feeling like I cannot do this? The winter blues? A likely aid to the demons that run AMOK in my head?

AMOK AMOK AMOK

I chose to start a blog, because after the year of theatre (2012), I desperately wanted to write, to focus my energies in other ways, to use my flippin' degree that I am still paying for. Theatre is a passion, but I needed a break from it. I also needed some time to think about what I really wanted to do with my life. What I discovered was that I hadn't written a lot in the last few years, outside of some poetry here and there. When I was laid off in August 2011 to May 2012 I wrote a short story, a novel (through NaNoWriMo), a screenplay (Script Frenzy), and a short play (24 Hour Theatre), also a bunch of poetry. I realized how much I missed writing on a grand scale. I pledged that after my last show in 2012 that I would start writing again; on a bigger and more continuous scale. I started this blog about a week after my directorial debut of "Charlotte's Web". I still had the Hammondsport Xmas Show to do, but after directing a full musical I was burned and feeling mentally sore. I needed to healing, so that began the life of "Here, There be a Writer" my first blog and major attempt to make writing a lifestyle.

I still feel lacking, more now than ever. I know I can do better, so what then is keeping me down? That is very easy to answer. Me! I am keeping me down. That kind of makes me feel even stupider, but also I realized that only I can push past my own worries, fears, anxieties, and push towards my dreams and aspirations of being a writer.

How much do YOU want it?

I want it really bad. I want my words to inspire, to entertain, and provoke thought. But, how am I going to achieve this if I don't write? I have to go back to last year February 2012, I was rehearsing for a production of "A Midsummer's Night Dream". I downloaded a PDF version of a book that ultimately brought about this blog and helped push me further to write, write, and write some more....to grab the bull by the proverbial horns and ride him towards that dream.

 "Drawing out the Dragons" by James Owen, my life changed after I read that book. A story on mediation and the power of will to change your life for the better. It brought tears to my eyes. James' truths about life and art made me resolve to become the writer I always wanted to be. DoTD is the first book of three that are inspirational in every sense of the word. I don't talk about inspirational books often, as I really haven't run across too many that have left such a mark on me as DoTD has. I do not force books on anyone. I suggest books that I think people would enjoy from the books I have already read, but seldom share inspirational books (I don't really read inspirational books). In the case of DoTD I will make an exception. I recommend everyone read it. There are truths that I see everyone dealing with in their own lives.

"The Barbizon Dairies" is the second in the Meditation series (though you may want a box of tissues with that one) is no less in the writing quality and personal nature of the subject matter.

It's from these books that I am trying to "Build my own personal Mythology", as James explains about his work and writings and  more honest and humble writer I have never met before. The third in the series, "The Grand Design" is due out later this year (September 2013).

A blog by the very nature of itself is so much more than a journal. A journal is a personal account of stuff in your life, often as a means to help one sort thoughts and feelings out, a type of therapy even.  A blog is something more, something that offers more to the world. It allows me to showcase a glimpse of my world, experiences, books, music, and knowledge; and to share that world with a greater world. It's not just a rant, it's a research based, well thought out, medium to showcase my talents and maybe bring folks together. Sometimes I post poetry-after all I am a poet first and foremost-spotlight friends artistic and business endeavours, and explore things that which are nostalgic to me and others.

"If you want to do something, no one can stop you; but if you really don't want to do something, no one can help you."
       ~James A. Owen

A dear friend once told me that I should pay attention to everything in the world, that there a signals out there to help guild us to a better purpose. I do. I pay attention for that very reason. I think that part of the reason I found James' writing. James also points this out in his meditations, "Everything is Signal". That's part of way I will not give up on this blog, on my writing, because I see the potential there. I will seek to break through my own mental blocks. I have seen my potential and success in theatre. Now it's time to see and succeed in writing.

I see so much potential out there. I see people making it happen. If that a bit a validation, then so be it. What starts as a tiny seedling will grow into a mighty oak. It starts so simple, with 4 little words, "I believe in you." That's what started me on this path, and so shall I continue. And if along the way I spread a bit of love and faith than all the better.

~Cindy